Why you?

Suicide. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know this because I almost did it. And my cousin, he succeeded.

I remember giving up. I remember feeling as though the world was coming down on top of me. I remember not knowing what to do to make it stop. It was overwhelming being in that much pain and feeling as though there was nothing I could do. I didn’t want to get out of bed nor did I know what to do with myself. Everyone got angry with me because I wasn’t getting up and doing anything. To be honest, I didn’t think I had a purpose so I didn’t see a point in continuing to live in this world. I held my bottle of headache medication in my hand and i cried. I was going to take every last pill it held. I was done. I took the first pill, then the second, fought with myself, and then took a third. For whatever reason I couldn’t bring myself to take another. I was getting this voice in my head that kept asking ‘Why you?’ and although I thought I had many answers, I really had none. Every problem I had, there was a solution. All I had to do was talk to someone. So I put the bottle down and went to sleep knowing at that point that I didn’t do enough damage and that I would still wake up the next morning. In time all the problems I had were fixed. 

Tommy was 32 when he died. Suicide by hanging. It ruptured my whole family and everyone who knew him. I was taking a nap that afternoon when my mom called crying. When I asked what was wrong she said ‘It’s Tommy. He’s gone..’. I almost dropped the phone. Still to this day we don’t know why it had to be him. There was no note, no answers. We’re broken with no way to fully heal but a million ways to cope. 

When you want to call it quits and give up, you’re leaving behind a whole family who is not willing or ready to let go. You leave behind questions unanswered and loved ones confused. You leave behind a world that’s become crumbled but once used to be whole. Ask yourself this. Why you? Why does it have to be you that leaves? If you can’t answer that question with a legit enough reason, don’t go through with it. Don’t end your time here. 

I want you to get up. Get up right now. I want you to go find someone and spit out everything. Leave it all out on the table. Trust me, I know it’s hard but you have to start somewhere. Holding everything inside won’t help you. If you can’t find someone to listen or help, I’m right here. It’s what I’m here for. Helping you is my purpose.

Why does it have to be you?

Reality

I know most of you don’t like reality. I also know it hurts at times, but what reality is doing is showing you what’s wrong so that you can either a) learn from it, or b) fix it. When my cousin took his own life, it taught me to reconsider holding in how I feel inside all the time (of course that wasn’t until after the grieving was over). It taught me that I needed to sit down and figure out all my personal problems and not let them get so out of hand that I can’t take it anymore. Reality took something horrible in my life and gave me something good from it. Reality is not out to get you. It’s not something you need to hide from. It’s something that can help you. Look at the picture underneath the obvious image. That is where you’re going to find your answers. All those “Why me?” questions, that’s where you can answer those. Trust that reality will steer you in the right direction. Don’t just pay attention to the obvious, pay attention to what the obvious is trying to tell you. What is it trying to teach you?